Back to the missions...

Hi! I just wanted to say how much I love your blog - and as a result have bought a dress I would never even thought of from a shop I never go into - Wallis!! Everyone says how good it is - so thank you very much! If you need a new challenge for those of us with non standard bodies, wondered if you could advise me on what I should buy next - am an odd shape! I am 5'8" with really short and fat legs - that are made even shorter by the presence of a long and huge bum... I have a waist that is two sizes smaller than my hips, and quite a flat stomach - 32DD top half - so find it hard to find things that fit, never mind look good... My legs are really bad - I can only wear the dress with tights and boots to hide the lack of leg. What would you suggest? Thanks Sharon

Ok - so first I must apologise to this lovely lady, because I've been sitting on this email since 16th March - quite forgotten in all my wedding self-obsession.

Right, secondly- to the task in hand. This really is quite straightforward: almost everyone can identify themselves as either having a short body and long legs (can be hard to find a waist) or having what I seem to recall someone from my childhood calling 'duck's disease' - where your bum's too close to the floor. As a fellow short-legger I sympathise with Sharon - although she's five inches of height on me - so perhaps not that much!

The silhouette we're looking for is empire line - cinched in under the bust, with a more free-flowing skirt part and then straight-legged trousers worn underneath. This picture is a good representation of what I mean, but sadly it's a back view - couldn't find the front shot - but you should get the idea. Look at the overall silhouette - don't her legs look lonnnnnnng?

Firstly: play to your strengths. Nice boobs and a small waist / back, plus flat tummy. Not all empire lines follow the body in their underbust tailoring, and can look smocky - that's fine if you have flabby abs: I can look pregnant if I wear too close-fitting an empire-line, but if you don't have my problem, then show off that difference between boob and ribcage. If you don't want your boobs to look too big, remember to go for a deep V or kimono neckline, modesty preserved with a vest underneath.

We don't want to fit all the way down to the waist, though, small as it may be. The reasoning here is we want to give the impression of longer legs. With a fitted empire line we get the impression of a trim waist, but without giving away where that waist actually is. It's also very hard to fit to the whole underbust-to-waist area without drawing attention to that bottom.

To length. You don't want a dress that's too long, or the trousers underneath will look like you've thrown the frock on over your pyjamas. Pink here is committing a second error in having two shades of black - this look can work with jeans, but I think you'd want a patterned dress to make the jeans look tied-in. The shorter the top layer, though - the harder it is to sustain the optical illusion of legs that go on forever. Once we start to see the shape of the leg, the game's up - and even with straight leg trousers, that becomes evident not far above the knee. So we're probably not looking for tunics. The other thing that will give the game away is a sheer fabric. diminutive 'Madmen' actress, Maggie Siff nearly gets it right, but due to the sheer fabric you can see that she too, is a duck's disease sufferer. Those flares don't help, either.

Which trousers should you go for? As a rule of thumb, the more trouser on show, the wider-leg you can wear.

These by Wallis would be a good purchase at £35, but I'd stick to no longer than knee length frocks. The right hand pair are more streamlined - don't be afraid of the snug fit, you'll be covering everything from the waist to below the knee with a loose dress. Marks and Sparks, £29.50. Both pairs are black, but you have to start somewhere, and true black trousers (as opposed to jeans) should work under other colours too, so long as they're vivid or have black in the pattern.

An absolutely brilliant everyday standby for work and play is this jersey dress (above left) - £35 from Evans (see what I was saying?) It doesn't photograph well, because it's black - but if you follow the link you can see it on a model, and get a better idea. It is, of course, just like those frocks Dotty P's were doing so well last season - but a little longer it seems. The dress on the right is available in black, but I think is just gorgeous in the pale pink and black print. It's £50 at French Connection.

This dress would go perfectly with straight-cut jeans, and those full sleeves will help to balance out your boobs and any fullness over the bum. It's by Great Plains (£45) and is also available in green. Which means you'll need some jeans to wear under it. Leave skinny straight jeans to the kids - besides which the wrinkled ankle look will not work for this silhouette. I adore these jeans from Monsoon, because they have such elegant lines. They're relatively pricey for jeans at £45, but worth it, I think.

The Incredible Shrinking Shopper

Not me, sadly - but I've had a request for tips on shopping when you are mid-weightloss.

My first tip, and I've mentioned them before, is the wrap dress. It's in their nature to fit more flexibly than a tailored garment. They flatter most body shapes if you have boobs bigger than your tummy, and are endlessly versatile, timeless and easy to wear. Had I the money I would invest in a heap of them by the Queen of the Wrap dress, Diane Von Furstenburg: I particularly love these two (above) from her current collection because of their collars - balancing out the weight of the boobs. Her clothes are available up to a UK 18 - but the plain black one is £235 and the print is £306. *Sigh*.

Of course, if you're between sizes you don't want to spend a fortune anyway. Marks and Sparks have this very pretty printed wrap dress for £35 which would be suitable for work or nights out, I think - it even has sleeves! Keep your eyes peeled though: when you see a cheap wrap dress, pounce on it.

The other style of clothing that can be effectively 'cinched' in, to fit a smaller you, is the empire line top or dress which is fitted with ties at the rear. Remember the caveat for empire lines - they do make your boobs look bigger, and for some of us, that's a bridge too far - in which case, look for those which create diagonal lines: V necks, kimono-style crossovers, or empire seaming which meets at a point, rather than a straight horizontal. Because you're going to be pulling in extra fabric as you lose weight, avoid anything too bulky, but also lightweight silks / viscoses where the extra folds at the back will crease and crumple, drawing attention to the fact that you're cheating the fit.

This dress from, what has to be a contender for shop of the season, Dotty P's fits the bill perfectly. It comes in grey, purple and black as well as teal and at £25 it's good value. No sleeves though - so invest in a lightweight cardigan. Buy a smaller size - so long as you can get your arms into it you're fine, just don't try to do it up until you're down to the next size!


Lastly, trousers - and this is much harder. You don't want to wear trousers that are on the small side, as you can with the dresses above to a certain extent. Trousers which are too small have a tendancy to split and lord knows, we don't want that. So to get length of wear from them, you're going to need to keep them after they're too big. The best option, then, is midweight fabric (no cords, no denim), and a high waist which has beltloops. I like these by Rocha.John Rocha at debenhams (£35) for work and weekend wear. These ones are petite, as the lady who inspired this posting is, like me, fairly short. Bear in mind - as you loose weight, your trousers will be longer as they become less troubled by your hips, thighs and bum. If you know you're losing weight and you've a choice between two lengths - both wearable now - go for the shorter ones.

A final word. If you are size 18 and above and changing size, look at ebay for clothes. There's a very healthy trade in larger clothes, and it makes sense not to spend too much if you're not sure how long it's going to fit. Smaller sizes are available too, of course, but there seems to be much more dross to wade through.

Bravissimo's New Party Frocks

The new Bravissimo catalogue is out and I thought, since I was singularly uninspired by all the bras in my size, I'd have a look at the new party frocks.

For those not familiar with Bravissimo, they specialise in dressing the girl with big boobs and small backs, and they are lovely, lovely people (while, I am sure making a fortune...). Anyway, around 2000, if my memory served, they branched into clothing - making 'secret support' style vest tops that actually had full bra support, unlike high street versions. Later they brought out a blouse which actually did up properly and didn't strain at the buttons or swamp mannishly. A suit jacket followed that and now they have a whole range of clothing very cleverly cut for girls who have bigger boobs, but aren't actually big all over - most ranges go up to a UK dress size 16, although some now go as far as an 18.

Normally wearing a 20, I trepidatiously bought a couple of their frocks for work a month or so back, when my Dad got ill and I felt like cheering myself up; £50 each is a lot to spend on a work frock when you're not sure it'll fit, and although crossover style frocks are usually fairly forgiving, I was worried about the arms. Turns out they were fine, and in a sad twist I wore the black one for the first time to my Dad's funeral - still, nice dress and I was glad to have it.

Where was I? There are three proper party frocks in the collection: my favourite (above) is a sophiticated and flattering take on the prom dress (an absolutely reasonable £75). Most prom dresses are dreadful for girls with big boobs as they have a straight horizontal neckline and only thin, or worse, no straps to balance it out. The layering of the black silk chiffon over the silver satin is a more tasteful way to show layering than black lace over a coloured under-layer, and the pin tucks over the bodice and from the waist are very fifties Hollywood. So too is the wide V back (below) - which is a gorgeous design feature but you would have to ensure your bra fitted well and low on the ribcage.

Sadly this one's not for me, because it only goes up to a size 16 - so I console myself with the fact that the silver is a bit plain - Imagine an undercurrent of chocolate, or scarlet, or emerald green.


The next dress is almost the same shape but much more plain - it's a truly gorgeous colour though, and one that suits most caucasian skintones, except possibly the fairest blondes. This dress is much more versatile and would make a fabulous wedding-guest outfit, solving the daytime/evening quandry. It's not exclusively a winter frock either, whereas the black and silver of the first one feels very festive. I think you'd get a fair bit of wear out of this, and since it's available in an 18, and a reasonable £69 for what could be justified as an investment, I might go for this myself. It might even go with the mui mui shoes below... And I do have a couple of weddings coming up, now I come to think...

The last frock is a rather glamorous spin on a 40s tea dress, or so it seems. Unlike the others, this has little sleeves - though since they finish at the widest part of the arm, you'll want a bolero or cardigan if that's an 'eek' zone.

I'm not normally a fan of dark blue - but in velvet or silk, as here, It has a sophisticated midnight gorgeousness of the kind we could all do with more of in our lives and our wardrobes. This frock is better for the less hourglassy types - the first two are really going to be sold on a smallish waist - but the empire line here is forgiving and the skirt is bias cut to skim hips, thighs and tummies. Beware empire lines, while I'm on the subject - most make big boobs look very wide (as all horizontal lines will widen as an optical illusion) - the chevron shape here, however, mirrored by the wide V neck gives an effect of diminishing the 'bulk' of the boobs, while drawing your eye to the cleavage - very clever indeed!

On the down side, again this one only goes up to a 16. The arbitary 16/18 thing Bravissimo is a bit of a pip, to be honest; I can't believe I'm the only size 20 who needs a 34 back bra, but I've found their frocks well cut and they have excellent customer service so I'll cut them some slack.