A-mer-i-cano...americano...

A mission from my fabulous New York-based performance artist friend Davi:

Hey Ms. Charlotte,
 
If you fancy a swelegant style project, here's one for ya!
 
I'm looking for a cocktail dress and some shoes to go with it.
 
I've got a bat mitzvah PARTY (not the service) to attend.  And I have  
no idea what happened to my favorite heels, which also happen to be  
green so they're limited in terms of what I can pair 'em with in my  
wardrobe).
 
Here's the scoop; after 7 months of injury, I've gained a little  
weight and the dress I'd probably be most inclined to wear to this  
party feels a little tight on me.
 
I'd love to treat myself to a new dress.
 
I've got big boobs, big thighs, a reasonably small waist (but not an  
hourglass figure), and I'm short.  (you know all this)
 
I like dresses that show off my shoulders; halters work well,  
especially with structured support for the boobies.
 
I don't really like pencil skirts/dresses because they  make it hard  
to dance.
 
I have a really great pair of gold wedge sandals (but, um, it'll be  
mid-march) and I will try to figure out what happened to these (my  
green heels):

 

I'd love to spend under $150 on the dress.
 
Ideas? I just ordered the Nanette Lepore Evermore dress off ebay and  
was looking at some DVF wrap dresses (though I own one and I know that  
it's pretty hard to find one that covers my boobs adequately).
 
Something sassy!

My knowledge of American-based shops is limited (although bigger girls in the Big Apple should visit Re/dress NYC - a fun and friendly boutique selling vintage and new plus-size gems... who knows if I'll make it myself, but were I to visit New York it'd be the first place I visited... but anyway, I digress...)   but I have found some great frocks at Pinup Girl Clothing - purveyors of punky, retro and rockabilly fashions to the American Swelegencia.

 

We're looking for some boob support (and preferably the coverage to allow for a bra), but low enough cut to flatter bigger boobs, and ideally showing some shoulder-enhancing skin.  All the dresses I've chosen have A-line or full skirts; Davi feels restricted in anything tighter, and it also makes it hard to accommodate a good fit if your thighs are proportionately larger than your waist.  The first dress ($68) is a fun cherry-print on black or white. The black is more eveningy, but the white is irresistibly reminiscent of Monroe's frock in The Misfits. Both are edged in green piping which, although it isn't the same shade as her green shoes, is tonally in the same family, and will tie the frock to the shoes.

More conventional on first look is this gorgeous black frock with blue swallow embroidery on the bodice and hip and  matching belt ($110). It's not too conventional, though: the swallows suggest sailor tattoos, and the full skirt is crying out for a net underskirt in peacock blue - or perhaps a more shocking contrast - raspberry pink, violet or emerald green. It won't show Davi's toned shoulders, but this dress is an absolute classic.

Next to website Baby Girl Boutique. A green dress here - cherries again, but this time less sexy and more girly.  I see it with those quite schoolish shoes.  The empire line is flattering to Davi's shape, and the A line will skim the thighs ($78.50). Ignore the wholesome model - this dress is funky and punky and lots of fun.

Lastly, it's back to Pin Up Girl Clothing for the Dolly Dress by Paperdoll clothing ($84).  Paperdoll make this style frock in lots of colourways - but I'm struggling to find the brighter ones in stock anywhere.  It's no good for shoulder flattery, but the length is perfect for someone petite, and again, the empire line is flattering. The one on the left has a cutesy cupcake trim, while the other has a design of retro movie monsters. I really see Davi in this dress, if all the black isn't too sober for her.

Ooh la ladybird!

Tonight I need cheering up, so I'm going to indulge myself by wallowing in some of my favourite clothes.

Polka dots have been a passion for me since childhood.  The young Miss Charlotte was enamoured of the aesthetic chosen by gothy Scottish popstrels Strawberry Switchblade (and the music, but that's a different story).  Then as a teenager my first true love was a young man who modelled himself on the singers Iain McCulloch and Robert Smith, and had a signature look involving polka dot shirts and skintight jeans.  I taught myself to sew with two polka dot skirts and a pair of baby-pink polka dot dungaree shorts... fast forward to more recent times and even my wedding dress had an overlay of cream polka dots.  But in the last year or so, I've accumulated three polka dot purchases which are all, inescapably, in the crimson and black hues of the lovely ladybird.

Click for larger pics.

It started with this dress from Rockabilly/Punk online boutique Collectif (although they don't sell it now - or indeed much else in the same size). I bought it because of the polka dots, but also because I wanted something new to wear for the late lamented regular People's Republic of Disco club night, where red and black was the non-compulsory dress code.  I know it looks short - remember: not only am I short myself, but it's also very wide.  And look - there I am on the right, in the clubbing section of Time Out - proving that it's an excellent party frock!  It's a great standby, this: my version of the 'little black dress'.  I can wear it over trousers if I'm feeling self-conscious about my legs, it doesn't show too much boob and it isn't too dressy... but it still looks like I've put on something a bit special.

Then, as I mentioned in one of my first blog posts (here), I found a pair of super-cheap spotty low-heel shoes, meant to appeal to the kids' souvenir market in Barcelona. As I mention in my earlier post: they appealed to me immediately as 'ladybird shoes' - it wasn't until later that I realised that they match the frock.  These lovely low heels are comfy enough to be worn all night.  Around then I began to consider what it was about this particular permutation of polka dots that appealed so strongly.  The crimson tone is deep, richer than a more firey scarlet hue, and this more bluey red flatters my dark hair and pale skin (orangey reds are better for fair hair or for tanned complexions).  This red, then is juxtaposed with black - a powerful combination of mischief and strength.  Minnie Mouse sports a red dress with white polka dots, and that's a far more innocent look.  But for me, there's also something cool and cute about ladybirds themselves.  The female identity, the bright colours, the childlike pattern... ladybirds rock.

Then, last summer, when I was searching for something special to wear for my hen night, I went back to the ladybird pattern for a third time. I'd already decided on plain pink dresses from Vivien of Holloway for my bridesmaids, and now I went all out one of their showstopping frocks for myself, in what else but red with big black dots.  It's still available now - £59 for the dress and the matching bolero is £25.  The dresses are boned in the bodice and very full in the skirt - they look great on their own or even better with a full petticoat.

As you can see, it's quite a show-stopping look... you need to carry it off with some confidence.  Why do I love it?  The slightly larger size of the polka dots make it more flattering for my large build - more so than the first dress, and it's so flattering to this over-inflated hourglass body. The dress only comes in halterneck though, and although I customised a bra to fit under the halter, very big boobs make for a very painful neck by the end of the night - when I next wear it (on Saturday, for my birthday), I'll convert it to shoulder straps. Finally, a gratuitous closeup.  Photos like this make me love my body just the way it is - and what better reason could there be to have a passion for great clothes?.

                          

What you want - 3: Jumper Dresses

Before I begin what will be a list of clothes with prices, pictures and handy links for ease of purchase, I feel a bit bad about advocating spending on inessentials from time to time - and never more so than today, in the aftermath of the Haitian earthquake.  Times are bloody tough, and I don't want to guilt-trip anyone... but if you had been thinking of donating to help the survivors, let me make it easy for you.  Here's a link to the Disasters Emergency Committee's website - if you want to give and haven't got round to it yet, then I don't mind at all if you do that first and then come back and read the blog later.

Okay, so: jumper dresses.  Or as Roxanne put it in an email to me:

Jumper dresses, please! For all shapes/sizes/occasions.

And it's the 'shapes/sizes' bit that worries me, if I'm honest: jumper dresses are unforgiving in all kinds of ways. Take the one above as an example (£28, Dorothy Perkins) It's a chunky knit, so will add bulk, short and tight and so will widen the thigh and cling to the tummy, has a high neck to make your boobs look matronly, short sleeves to accentuate the width of the upper torso and it even has pockets like saddlebags on your already beleaguered thighs.  And yes, this was the worst example I could find, but there were loads to choose from.  This dress would suit someone tall, with great legs and a boyish figure - which isn't many of us. 

So is it all doom and gloom?  Not entirely.  I can see the snuggly appeal, but I have to confess, I'm not convinced by jumper dresses - they're not for me. However, not everyone is quite so short of leg, wide of thigh or big of boob...  They're not for everyone but there is a jumper dress out there for most of you.

In a wearable green (and also cream) is this rather charming empire line frock from Peacocks.  It's £16, and available from size 6-20.  At that price we can't expect great quality, which is a shame because this is a great design. The deep scoop neck is buxomly flattering for all but the largest boobs, and notice how the cable knit pattern (in flattering verticals) is a smaller width over the boobs - giving a minimising look where the dress is tightest.  The looser skirt is flattering over less-that-toned tums, hips, bums and thighs, and would look fine over jeans or trousers if you feel more comfortable covered-up.  (You can, of course wear tighter dresses over trousers, but it's an unfamiliar silhouette and only really looks good with tight-profile trousers.)  In an ideal world I wouldn't have had the pockets, and the sleeve is still a little short, but I like this.

 
Similar in style, but slightly less forgiving (and anyway, only available up to a 16) is this rather stylish frock from French Connection.  It's a little bit retro teaparty, a little bit Parisienne - think cream opaque tights and dolly shoes.  It's delightful colour (versatile and suits just about everyone) and a huge bargain at £45.50 reduced from £90 - if I were a size 16 I'd snap it up.

The next dress will best suit less hourglassy types because of its gorgeous, sophisticated lines.  It's rather 1930s, I think, and the long sleeves and far longer-than-usual skirt length make it perfect for those going for an elegant look with sheer stockings.  I'm less inspired by the grey, but it comes in black and french navy (the site wouldn't let me lift the photos of those colour options) in sizes up to an XL - roughly a 16-18.  It's by Great Plains, who I know nothing about, and it's reduced from £50 to £36.  Monsoon have a similar style (right) in black, for £60 - sizes 14-18 online, though with Monsoon, other sizes may well be instore.

Lastly, one for the more buxom.  Monsoon have a few knitted dresses, of which the one I've mentioned and the one above - while not traditional jumper dresses, are by far the most flattering options.  This dress is my favourite, because of it's hugely flattering wrap neckline, sensible length and full sleeves. It's £55 but sadly only available in the pale grey and in size 'large' online (again, try your local stores - Monsoon's stock control doesn't seem to be centralised).

Things change

Last season, I was all over Dorothy Perkins, but recently they seem to be setting their cap at the late-teen / early twenties market, wheeling out all the unflattering, cheap-looking, eighties-influenced trends that those of us old enough to remember them first time around wouldn't touch with a bargepole. Which is Topshop's territory: they do it very well, and I'm not sure where Dotty P's market is.

What is coming up, though, is Evans. Unlikely as it may seem, there are several good pieces in Evans' current collection, and now they go down to a size 14, maybe there are a few new customers out there who are yet to take a look. Frocks are often a good indicator of the quality of a collection, so let's have a look:

These two are great for summer - the blue is good for fairer colouring, whereas the pink is probably best left to brunettes. Wear this dress if you're anything up to around a D cup - it's more forgiving to boobs than a super-high neckline. £50.

This dress, though is much better for buxom ladies. It's a jersey fabric, and cut to accentuate hourglass curves, while the vertical pleating across the tummy is good for disguising your belly. £40.

Lastly, I rather like this dress for all kinds of reasons. I love the spots, the empire line is supremely flattering, and the bodice area is just gorgeous for all but the smallest or hugest boobs. I do think it needs a bolero or cardigan to balance out the fullness of the skirt, though. It's a great length for shorter girls, too. It will sit on the knee for someone of average height, but then becomes more sophisticated and dressy the shorter the wearer.

It's £50, and I'd definitely buy it if I were invited to an august wedding...

I'd like to spanx the Academy

Am I a day late? Well maybe - but this blog isn't about pointing out the good and the bad, but looking at why some of the dresses were so unflattering. Readers - you may not be planning a foray down the red carpet, but we can all learn from these mistakes.

Melissa Leo's Ginger Bridesmaid Dress.

A lot of attention has been directed towards the colour of this dress, and that it matches her hair. Not a brilliant idea, true enough - this kind of pale red hair would be set of beautifully with a lavender, or an eau de nil. But it's the dress itself - the design and the cut of the bodice, and the way it doesn't quite fit her, which is to blame. Scroll down until you can only see the dress from the thigh down. It's absolutely beautiful fabric, and it drapes flatteringly (although I have just noticed those shoes. Heaven's sake!). But the bodice... all those horizontal pintucks are widening, and that's exacerbated by the fact that she doesn't really go in at the waist. She can't help that, of course - but if the bodice were slightly shorter, then the hip flare would start at the waistline. This would give the impression of a waist. Alternatively avoid the waist issue by choosing a Grecian inspired column dress, free floating but straight from beneath a bandeau-style top. The bit over the boobs looks completely flat. Now if you google image search Melissa Leo you'll see some lovely tasteful topless shots, and she does have boobs, albeit modest. Therefore, she needs a bodice which supports them. Alternatively, she may choose not to display her boobs - in which case she needs to avoid this kind of neckline; it's too much of a frame to have nothing displayed in it.

Rachel Weisz is Dominatrix Barbie

One of the most beautiful women on the planet, who appears not to have got the memo that this was a bit of a 'do', and has come halfway through changing between a day at the beach and a night at a fetish club. But let us ignore the dubious styling, and stick to the unflattering nature of this look. Firstly, you might be tall and slim - but every woman has less pretty parts, and Rachel Weisz has knobbly knees. Knobbly knees are not a terrible body flaw, but the length of this beacon-bright skirt effectively points to them. Bare legs are fine - even if you have pale skin - in fact, I applaud Rachel for not worshipping at the shrine of St Tropez, but they do nothing to disguise the knobbliness, where stockings would give a more even tone. The clumpy shoes make her slim legs look spindly - again drawing attention to those knees. Because her legs are long and slim, she could just about get away with the short-and-fat effect created by this type of sandal (see also shoeboots, gladiator sandals etc), and they belong to the same outfit as the top, but that coordination just makes us notice the skirt more. If the shoes weren't quite so in tune with the top, we wouldn't be staring at this terrible item. This skirt is proof, if it were needed, that tulip skirts flatter no one. It doesn't make her look fat, granted - but on someone slim it just hangs very oddly, and again makes her legs look all the more frail below.

Beyonce's Curvy Curtains

There's a reason why patterns on clothes aren't usually that big. The scale needs to be on a bigger canvas - like a sofa. Beyonce has an amazing, body - world class curves - and this dress accentuates them, it's true. The vertical panelling is usually a good idea for elongating the look, but sadly here it has a negative effect. The front and back panels, sewn together, look like they would make a whole dress for an A-list starlet elsewhere on the red carpet. Because the side panels are a different fabric it has the unfortunate effect of looking like they were added to 'let out' the dress for someone who'd had a few too many puddings. This is particularly noticeable in the rear view. The back panel needs to be wider to make the side panels look less substantial. Then there's the matter of the fishtail. Lots of those about right now, and not entirely a bad thing - they repeat the pattern of the hourglass curves, and the overall impression is very sexy, as Beyonce herself often demonstrates:

But the difference here is the weight of the fabric. In the Oscars frock there's too much bulk to flow gracefully from the gathers and it looks boxy and stiff. This heavy flounce gives an impression of weight and connection to the floor - poor Beyonce looks stumpy.

Alicia Keyes's Purple Pleats.

Most of the problem here is the bodice. There's no structure to differentiate the boobs from the rest of the torso, and while the one starburst of pintucks emanating from the right boob is potentially quite dramatic, there's then a horrible mess of pintucks going every which direction. It's a mess, and it makes her look all square and boxy above the hip, and even slightly bulbous over the tummy. I'm not sure about the colour either - it could do with being lighter or darker - the tone here makes her look a little washed out.

A windfall.

I've just received £50 of M&S vouchers. An unexpected surprise, but nothing's crying out to me from the current line. I suppose I should be sensible and wait until the post Xmas sales - especially since I don't imagine I can redeem said vouchers online - but (confession) I hate sales shopping, so I might give in to temptation a little earlier. It's not the shopping per se - I just hate queueing for changing rooms and fighting with grannies for a chance to pick over the offerings.

I'm somewhat taken with the neckline of this 'Ponte' dress (£35) - Art deco structuring and Mouret-esque straps. It's a little bare to wear at work; the girls will call 'bingo wings' if they see them... The empire line is flattering, though.

Posing a similar 'too dressy for work?' dilemma is this fabulous mock-layer pussy bow top. (£29.50). It succeeds where the 'what I wore to work' dress failed - in that it has wonderful longer-length sleeves - but whereas royal purple satin is restrained opulence, this cerise is all rather 'Studio 54'. The black V neck styling is flattering, though - and I am still loving the sexy-secretary look. This would be great with a black pencil skirt.

But of course, M&S is synonymous with undies - and although it doesn't quite come in my size, I might try on the closest size available to see if I can get away with this firm control multiway body (£39.50). M&S don't tend to be wonderfully reliable on larger cup size bras, so fitting in person is essential but with a body, where there is support all the way up you torso, you can sometimes play a little bit fast-and-loose with sizing. Using the fairly reliable equation that if you go up a back size, you can go down a cupsize and still get a bra to fit, if not support as well, I might have a bit of an experiment with this item.