Sunday, 30 November 2008

Flattery, thy name is 'trouser'.

Or perhaps not. For many years I didn't worn any trousers - not even jeans... especially not jeans. The fact is that if you seek to diminish the appearance of the size of your bum, your tummy or your thighs, skirts and dresses offer greater potential. On the other hand trousers are warm, practical and can be flattering in other ways. Drawing attention to the bum or waist can be desirable if it draws the focus from elsewhere, and most trousers give the illusion of lengthening the legs.

My friend Davi, an NYC-dwelling dancer and actor, has asked for my help. She's in phenomenal yoga-toned shape but struggles with trousers because, despite a trim waist and fab booty, she doesn't like her thighs. She's also only 5'2", and this is a problem because the usual recommendation to balance out heavy thighs with a wide parallel leg can make the legs look shorter. These jeans are from US brand Newport ($39) - and I'm fishing in the dark with American stores, but they are a gorgeous cut, and the high waist (shown in the smaller picture) will visually elongate the legs. They come in regular or long lengths - which I hope would be OK for Davi, because jeans can be hard to take up. For UK readers, this pair of lighter weight trousers from M&S cost £35 and fit the same bill.

To wear high-waisters, and benefit from that elongating illusion, you need to feel confident about a close fit on the waist, tummy, and almost certainly the bum (depending on the cut). If you prefer to cover those areas with a loose-fitting top, and you still want to elongate the look of your legs, I'd advise against wide leg trousers. What you want, in that case, is the bootcut.

Bootcut trousers fit close to the leg, but then kick out a little below the knee. The reason they are flattering to heavier thighs is that they visually balance the width above the knee with the width below. Meanwhile, because the overall profile is leaner than the wide leg trousers, they are more adept at elongating over a shorter distance. For maximum flattering effect, match shoes to trousers and trousers to top. British girls, I'm again recommending M&S again, purely because I happen to be wearing a pair of their black bootcut cords at the moment, and who can beat a personal recommendation? Only £15 too. For Davi, this pair by Gloria Vanderbilt at Amazon are also a bargain at $28, but cord bootcuts seem to be a transatlantic fashion staple and plenty of other stores will stock them. Wear bootcuts long. They should just about reach the ground at the back.

My last recommendation for trousers which flatter this shape is a little contentious, but it works for me. I like to wear three-quarter length trousers. The hot pink pair below ($75) are not for the faint-hearted (more sober colours are available at the US-based website but will flatter a heavier thigh, assuming that the calf on show is paler than the trouser above. It balances out by making the calf seem larger - which isn't the safest strategy, but it's sassy and fun. Cropped trousers needn't be so tight or short to have this effect. Cropped linen trousers in summer, or jeans (worn with long boots underneath) in winter will work. Keep the colour below the trouser uninterrupted - tan coloured sandals, plain boots - if you want to maximize the appearance of length. Cropped trousers are hard to find in winter. Try rockabilly websites and dress up with heels or even better, high wedges for evening.

British readers might like to take a chance on Peacocks. They have a pair on their website for £14 with some interesting design detail. Great for making a feature of the waist - but of course I can't vouch for the quality.

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Work the glamour.

With the upcoming Christmas season I need some fabulous things to wear for a number of occasions. However, a few of them will have the same people at them so I'm after some separates that I can chop and change. Ideally as I'm utterly skint, these could be things I could wear for work as well.

Please help me in my hour of need!

When categorising clothes as either 'work' or 'play', sometimes there are clear signals - it's a rare workplace where a sequinned corset would be standard daywear - but more often than not it's about adaptation and context. The outfit below is very sexy-secretary with a hint of Katherine Hepburn, but the same top worn with a pair of black bootcut jeans or my favourite: the black velvet wide-leg trousers, becomes - by virtue of its glorious colour and sheer fabric - a show-stopping party top. It's only £16 from Simply Be, available in sizes 14 and up, and is cut long enough for longer-bodied girls. You could even wear it untucked with a belt on top. Apart from the sleeve length, it's an essential buy.

The other trick, for a girl who has a cleavage to be proud of, is to wear something with a flattering deep V neck, but with a vest underneath during the day. I really love this hankyhem tunic from Dotty Perkins (£22) - I've shown it in grey because the photograph is clearer, but you'll almost certainly want it in the black, which is what I've linked to. That triangle at the bottom of the V where the vest will show during the day is the chance to inject some dynamism into your work wardrobe. Imagine a bright turquoise, a jewel-like purple or a festive red. Vests are cheap to pick up from all kinds of place and are a great way to accessorise. Then when worn without the vest you can jazz it up with some funky, chunky beads. As well as the flattering neckline, the draping flow of this top is flattering to tummies and hips. Dress down with jeans or up with black trousers and heels.

The last trick is suitable for a blouse like this purple spotted shirt from Debenhams (£22). The top is sheer, so you'll probably wear a vest underneath it at work - for an evening out, leave it undone and tie it in a knot at the boobs (in the manner of the blue top below). The fullness of the shirt makes the tight fitting vest area look more streamlined, and the knotting draws focus to your boobs.

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Boobilicious party top

Dear Miss Charlotte,

Looking for a party top - similar dimensions to your good self up top but with upper arms like hams - love black, hate shopping.
Any ideas?

Love Ceej x

Like hams, eh? I know that one. I should cover my arms for the sake of public decency (my Mum would be appalled) but there's markedly little choice. Evans - who should know better - have 48 'Going Out' tops. Some have sleeves that would stop right on the widest part of the arm, and are therefore deeply unflattering, and the vast majority have no sleeves at all! One top has sleeves that would be flattering, but the rest of the garment looks like a tent, so I'm not even going to link to it.

My first option isn't plain black, but is a brilliant cut for our shape, and has a lovely scattering of sequins. It's by Simply Be - who are catalogue and online only - and I can't recommend their stuff across the board. Some is great, but some of it is horribly cheaply made. Look very carefully at their photos. This tunic looks ok. Worth a try, but perhaps a little plain.

Not completely black, and you'd want to try it on to see how the sleeves fitted, but this top by Rocha. John Rocha at Debenhams is much prettier. The kimono style is a really safe bet for our shape, and that neckline will look phenomenal with your cleavage, Ms Ceej.

But I think this is the winner. The last choice has perfect sleeves, astonishing cleavage potential, is entirely black and it'ss even in the sale! £20 at Wallis will buy you this Black Deco trim top (they call it a kimono, because of the underbust tie - but I think a kimono should have a wrap neckline...). This is completely flattering and plain enough to wear some fabulous jewellery with. Wear with the velvet wide leg trousers and heels - go on! Easy-peasy glamour.

Heads up.

It's cold, people want hats.

I bought a new hat this autumn. A slouchy beret (above). Very now - but more importantly, it's a style that works with hair up or down, and it can be shoved in a pocket or bag. I stumbled across a woman on ebay who makes a small range of crocheted hats, and she made it to order in a shade of purple (above) that matched the leather gloves I'd just bought. Lovely, and very happy to do commissions.

I'm sure you can find one cheaper (prices range from around £12 - £22, depending on the style and yarn used) but I think she represents good value for money, and you know there's no sweatshop involved.

The next step beyond is the sequinned beret. Perfectly acceptable for daytime if worn in a dark colour (or, indeed any colour, if you just don't care) Miss Selfridge have them in Black, Navy, Blue, Bright Pink, or Gold for £15. In fact spot the difference between thses two sequinned berets:

The one on the left is £15 from Miss Selfridge, the one on the right is £90 from Jaeger. Just how fabulous can sequins be that they cost six times as much?

Saturday, 22 November 2008

Finishing the first mission

I bought the blue one from dotty p's - thanks love.

Now trying to locate some black wide legs trousers in a size 20 and long length nearly drove me insane yesterday. Any suggestions for jewellery?

Jewellery first. With this dress a necklace is unnecessary, and would compete with that splendid sequin sunburst. But I am thinking 'bangles'. Oh yes indeed. With an over all block of colour such as here, jewellery has to be visually quite impactful. It's also worth knowing that dainty ladies carry off dainty jewellery best. For most of us, chunky - even oversized - pieces are much more flattering (except cuffs - cuffs look like you're so fat your bangle only just fits.)

This bangle by Accessorise is the right kind of thing, but it's £6. Ebay, clare's accessories, Primark... one or two chunky bangles in black or silver glitter or metallic shine. I'd avoid turquoise/teal, or anything patterned beyond simple geometrics.

Because of the sequins drawing attention to the face, I don't think this outfit needs statement earrings - silver hoops would be my choice (as they often are). You could finish off with a pretty hairclip, though. Diamante simplicity rather than bows or flowers, worn high in the side of a bob.

To the trouser deparetment, then. I love my black velvet wide leg trousers because they are easy to wear, feel just like pyjamas, but have an opulence which suits a large range of evening outfits. Evans have a pair (in 20L) for £30. You'll wear them lots - with all manner of tops. Get rid of the beaded belt though - nice idea, but on the wrong scale unless you're a size 6.

Friday, 21 November 2008

Step away from the sequins...

Miss Charlotte, I am shortly moving abroad and need some decent smart clothes for my new job. I don't have a lot to spend so some advice on key items would be lovely. I want so make a really good first impression and not look like the scruff-monster I really am!

I'm a 14 on top but my boobies are pretty huge, and a 14/16 on the bottom. I'm far comfier in trousers than skirts, but will consider anything.

Aha... "anything", she says... well in that case let me quickly get out of the way the one dress that I really, truly believe that every buxom lady needs in her working wardrobe: a black wrap around dress. Smart enough to wear for a job interview, comfortable and practical enough to throw on every day, I like to wear mine with a bright vest top just peeping from the neckline. Then for the evening, the vest comes off and the cleavage can take over. The Bravissimo version isn't cheap, at £50, but it's good quality and the clever cut really makes a difference for the boobilicious girl.

But back to trousers. Speaking personally, I find the most versatile and flattering work trousers are mid weight, and slightly textured. Think linen or a very lightweight tweed. As for style, I love the 1930s Oxford bags wide leg style - with either a low or high waist. It visually balances out a heavier top half, and invites super-comfy flat shoes: a godsend at work. I like this pair from Evans, of all places. Despite the fact that Evans now stock down to a size 14, it's generally not a contender for stylish offerings when compared to the rest of the high street, let alone the internet. However it is worth keeping an eye on. The spotty dress I'm wearing in the picture at the top left of the page was a fantastic find, and I think these trousers (£35) are some of the best looking ones around.

Finally, tops. Imagine if you will, a girl with a buxom, hourglass physique wearing astraight up-and-down dress. The horror, right? So please, oh you Ladies of the Curves, don't do it with your tops! This:

is very bad, yet you see it all the time.

There needs to be some tailoring, to fit into the waist below the bust. This purple top from M&S is £21, but these are the kinds of tops you can pick up quite frequently in supermarkets and Primark/New Look considerably more cheaply.

The other great option for boobier girls is the jumpershirt. I was initially unconvinced by these - they seemed to feature heavily in Next's perennially unexciting ranges in bland colours and shapeless styles. Well, I was wrong. Working on the same principle as the 'what I wore to work dress' they allow buxom girls to wear the best kinds of blouses without having to worry about strained buttons. They also visually break up the extent of fabric from neck to waist, which makes the boobs look higher, and some of them are cut to fit quite closely. Today I bought this one from Rocha John Rocha at Debenhams - £16 until Saturday, but only £20 otherwise, which compares favourably with other 'cheaper' stores. It seems to be channelling 'Heidi', which I thought was irresistably fun, but these tops exist in all kinds of styles, are easy care and look smart and flattering.

Mission the Second

miss charlotte, having read your expert recommendations, can i ask a favour as well? Mr K is taking me out to dinner for my birthday in a couple of weeks, our first real night out since the baby was born, and I would love a glamorous new dress to wow him with. However, clothes shopping is impossible with a pram in tow, so have you spotted anything that you think would suit me?

Ooh - now then, frock shopping is my very favourite thing. My first selection is one of the more wearable items from the Patricia Field (designer for "Sex and the City") range at M&S. This Glitzy Gold dress is a little Studio 54, but not too trashy. £55, but lots of design detail. The front of the dress has a draped effect which will be forgiving to new-mum-frontage (actually, I suppose MsK might be one of these sleb style washboard-tum-mums, but I'd have to disapprove thoroughly if that were the case). The halter top will look utterly ravishing from the other side of the dinner table, and the low back?(top pic) Well, MsK has the most fabulous piece of art on her back which she might wish to show off.

Continuing the low-back theme, but this time, class personified is this crimson Drape Back Cowl dress (£75) from Wallis. This oozes 'Madmen', early 60s sexy-sophistication. Control pants up to the underbust a prerequisite, but imagine it with seamed stockings and red lips. Divine.

Lastly, providing back coverage and altogether less grown up and more funky is this versatile purple print dress by Red Herring at Debenhams (£35). I can really see MsK in this, and although it isn't as obviously festive as the others just look at that gorgeous sheer neckline - although stick a vest top under it and it would immediately become more demure and 'daytime'.

Thursday, 20 November 2008

Find anything worth having in the M&S sale?

Neither did I. But pre xmas retail figures have obviously been a bit alarming, because markses are not the only ones.

Debenhams have 25% discount online until Saturday, although that's an extension because at the moment their website appears to be a little bit time-lagged.

Wallis and Dotty Perkins both have 20% off until end of tomorrow too. Stablemates Evans go one better extending their 20% offer until Monday, while Principles offer a huge 30% on 'selected collections' for an unspecified amount of time, which would bring the red trench coat below in at under £70. Right on the button for a certain statuesque friend and colleague of mine.Monsoon have some significant reductions on (a mixed bag, style-wise of) eveningwear too - and I'd bet there will be more sales to pop up in the next few weeks. I wonder how many of my xmas gift recipients I can buy frocks for...

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Dining out

dear miss charlotte - I need something lovely to wear for a night out (meal with boyfriend and maybe dad) at xmas. can you help cos I'm stuck?
Woo hoo! All the fun of shopping and no actual damage done to my bank account. The gorgeous lady in question is longer of limb and smaller on top than me... so here's what I think will suit for her shape.

Firstly, because my friend doesn't feel comfy in a frock, she'll be happy to know that dinner out is perfect territory for a gorgeous top and trousers. Your top half will be in view more or less all night, so it's especially important to get that bit right - and for xmas, we need somthing a bit decorative. I really like the top above from Monsoon - it's 100% devore silk, but at £65 it is quite pricey for a top. The sheer sections give comforting coverage but look luxurious rather than frumpy, and the burnout effect is just gorgeous - it looks like lace but isn't as naff. High neck, patterned boobs... I would look awful in it, but I bet it'd look dead flattering on my mate. She'll like it too, because it's black - but I wonder if I can't find something more colourful.

This tunic is £35 from Dorothy Perkins, and I love the Art Deco influenced sunbursts of sequins. All over shimmer is dangerous unless you're a waif, but the longer cut and vertical positioning of these sparkles elongates and slims. The back features a lowish cowl effect - but not too low to wear a bra - and that's a sexy alternative to a low cut top especially if you have short hair, like my friend. I'd cut out the silly tie at the top, though. It looks a bit eighties market-stall to me... It's a gorgeous colour, too (although it does come in black).

Lastly, a gorgeous offering from Principles (£45). Beautiful colours, beading detail and muted gold - the shape skims the torso and makes boobs look a bit bigger to boot. This shape is an absolute no-no for me, but it's totally perfect for my friend. This dark teal blue is really flattering to paler skins and accentuates red tones in the hair splendidly.
I'd wear any of the above with a pair of black wide-legged trousers and heels, or some smart dark blue jeans - not too baggy - again, probably with heels, but not if they made you feel uncomfy. Dinner out, however, involves a lot of sitting down. If you can't wear heels to dinner, I suspect you never will!

Saturday, 15 November 2008

Ladybird, ladybird...

Last night I took a tenative step back onto the social scene in a pair of utterly splendid shoes (just like those above). I found them on our recent holiday to Barcelona, where they are sold in every other souvenier shop and immediately thought "ladybird shoes!" - and then sometime later remembered that I have lovely frock by collectif clothing (a formerly great online brand for rockabilly/punk frocks, who seem to be going through a somewhat barren phase lately) which matches perfectly. The shoes were an utter steal at €13 - although, obviously at that price they are fairly cheaply made and not leather - but beware: sizing is way out. My pair are labelled as a size 38, which is two sizes larger than I normally wear.

Worn with sheer black seamed tights and scarlet glossy lips, the look was unequivocally sexually aware but also a bit cute, as you would expect with a low-heeled mary-jane shoe. I love mary- janes. I find it hard to keep shoes on my feet without a strap so although it does make your legs look shorter, it also helps the chances of wearing them all night. Very wearable one-and-a-bit inch heel, too. I'm a total wimp with heels. I blame my small feet - but I do suspect that I'm just a bit rubbish at taking the pain that comes with balancing on the balls of your feet.

Anyway, I did thake them off for a while - for the purposes of dancing on top of a speaker, podium style, and the tights had ladders in both legs before 10pm, but as outfits go it was ace - and all about the shoes.

Monday, 10 November 2008

Gorgeous Bra

Not quite in my size (and sorry sarah, not yours either), and not a new style, but I can't get over how gorgeous the Rosa bra by Panache is. Availble in sizes 28-38, DD-G it costs £28.

There are fabulous shorts (below) for £14 or a pretty thong (if you can be bothered with thongs - they're not for me) for £12. I swear to you, if this set came in my size I'd buy two!

Just quickies for the next few days - Ofsted are descending on my school and there's precious little time for shopping-related fun. Boo!

Sunday, 9 November 2008

Legs of colour

A quickie today on coloured tights, but before I go there I'm indebted to sarah for letting us know that the "what I wore to work" frock is now completely sold out. Hopefully that'll send a message to the powers that be, that we want more of that kind of thing.

So - to hose. The 'rules' tell us to try and create a column of colour - match tights to hem and shoes to tights. This creates a longer sillhouette and, in a dark colour, is slimming. This is why opaque tights in black or, to a lesser extent brown, are such a fantastic wardrobe staple. But brown can be tricky because shades vary immensely, and that's also a problem with matching the new gorgeous shades appearing. One shade of purple is massively different from another, and because even opaque tights are slightly sheer and blend with your own skintone, it's hard to predict what the colour in the pack will look like on your legs.

But sometimes we break rules. We say "Soddit! I have short fat legs. I'm not going to suddenly convince onlookers that I resemble Jodie Kidd and so I may as well wear something gorgeous." Up to a point, at least. No matter how much I adore the idea of bright scarlet tights, I know the reality would be an eye-grabbing, medieval minstrel show of 'look at me, I'm kerrrazy!' that I'm just not ready for.

Sophisticated, slightly muted jewel colours: wine, teal, purple, holly - these look splendid as the accent colour of an otherwise neutral outfit. Style-wise I like them with knee boots, biker boots, and mary janes (high and low heel). I think if you're going to be flamboyant in your hosiery, you hve to have something a bit gorgeous on your feet, basically: a pair of low heel court shoes from Next or M&S aren't going to cut it. If you look at the pics below, I don't buy this look when worn with plain shoes or ballet flats (and let the last shot be the only thing we need to say about footless tights).

Where to buy? Where the colour is important I prefer to buy in person, but the high street isn't helpful if you need something beyond the stretch of 'one size'. Marks and Spencer have a couple of interesting colours in their range of sizes (S, M, L, XL), and you know the quality will be reliable. Evans has no colours at all, but Dorothy Perkins, their sister shop, scores a jackpot with a massive range in S, M and L sizes only.

The internet, of course, yield the best choice. Of all the sites, I'm quite keen on who carry the (up to XL) Charnos range - a range of colours for £4.99 a throw. If you can wear 'one size' they also carry the much larger range of colours by Jonathan Aston (£5.99) - but I'd be inclined to check out Dorothy Perkins first. One thing in Tights Please's favour is a zero delivery charge. Always a good thing.

Lastly, as a post script to yesterday's blog on tartan, i thought I'd show you a picture of something I just won on ebay.

This belt by Primark is scattered all over ebay at the moment. I paid £6 - which is probably well over the retail price, but still fair for a belt. Looks fun, I think.

Saturday, 8 November 2008


Tartan is genrally eschewed by designers. In the late 70s it was a sartorial contender, when Westwood lead the punks into bondage, and everyone else embraced traditionally eye-watering colour combinations in safe knee length skirts that looked like travel rugs. I even recall tartan trousers being sported by the housewives of suburba - and so it's hardly a surprise that we've run scared from it ever since.

In the early nineties I daillied with plaid - West coast grunge sent flannel shirts into the shops and designers shifted the colour palette into trend-friendly turquoises and pinks. During this period I wore tight tartan dresses, and even a baggy tartan suit which I made myself, but these were gorgeous colours and I was a thin young thing so it doesn't make me feel too confident about adorning myself with the more traditional designs ths time around.

So why not ignore it altogther? Well, rather like animal prints, tartan can lend some fun and drama to an outfit. It also seems cowardly to avoid an entire range of patterns, just because they're difficult. While I'm not a slave to fashion, my curiosity is piqued when things start arriving in the shops, which tartan seems to be doing at the moment. Lastly, my lovely boyfriend is half Scottish, and I've been toying with the idea of wearing something at xmas to further endear myself to the out-of-laws. The only problem with that is that his family tartan, Buchanan, isn't a glamourously festive red: it's the somewhat more challenging, predominantly yellow and green design at the top of this post.

Tartan is hard to wear all over, but not impossble. The horizontal lines are uncompromising in a tailored garment, such as this dress by Zara (£69) (gorgeous shoes, mind...)

but if the fabric is more draped, the colour contrast more muted or the pattern rotated through 45 degrees to create a diagonal, the effect can be more flattering. Dorothy Perkins come to the rescue (as long as your boobs aren't too big), with their Blue Tartan Tie-Waist Dress (£35), which rather handily incorporates all those factors.

I'd avoid tartan skirts unles you have the legs/confidence for a mini kilt - they're all a bit Barbera Woodhouse otherwise...

It's far easier to wear tartan in the form of accessories. Bear in mind that red tartans can sometimes look tacky and that tartan bows will make you look like a christmas tree, but otherwise there's a feast of tartan bags, belts, tights and shoes around. Stick to one item only, though.

I like tartan tights, and I think if you're thin enough to wear one-size tights (which all the brands seem to be), you should go for it. great with heavy black knee boots and a little black dress.
Primark seems to be a good place to go for tartan pieces - although you'll have to trust me, as they don't really have a web presence, and ebay is a bountiful hunting ground.

Remember: diagonal = good and no bows!

Friday, 7 November 2008

Have I got news for you...

Well I never! Yesterday I promised you an ongoing saga. Today, I must bring you the news that the saga had to be terminated when the auction ended on the rulebreaking, Mouret-come-Rockabilly, grey spotty dress at a staggering £80.99. I kid you not. £80.99. Needless to say, I didn't buy it. I can't think what could induce me to spend that much money on a work frock, but I'd need to be a lot more sure it was going to suit me.

I don't know how much it retailed for originally in Monsoon, but that's a phenomenal sum of money for a secondhand frock. Didn't I tell you about their clothes holding a high resale value? But eighty one quid? I'm astonished. All power to the seller, though: it's a textbook advertisement. Have a read for yourself - she's so enthusiastic about this frock and she suggests accessories and looks it could create. She also takes a good photo - look at how she's arranged the fabric to create the impression of a nipped-in waist. Very clever.

The second news story of the day is that unsurprisingly the "what I wore to work" frock has now sold out in size 16, and 14 can't be far behind. At £15 it was an absolute steal and it serves as a reminder that things move fast in the world of sales. With that in mind, I thought I'd run through the headlines for the rest of the Marks and Sparks sale - although how much will be left by the time Monday comes is anyone's guess.

First, my top five "Don't buys"

At five - Short sleeve leaf print top with silk (£9). I appreciate that not everyone is overweight, but who on earth wants to make their waist look wider? The sweetheart neckline and wan, unflattering colour palette make this look like a particularly hideous eighties bridesmaid dress.

At four: Rich floral print jacket (£15). This jacket will make you look like a sofa. Rule of thumb: the thicker the fabric, the less pattern you need. There's a reason why most coats are plain colours. (Of course, that rule doesn't apply to my lovely black and white jacket... but this is just horrid.)

Number three in the chart of shame is this pastel dolly mixture horror (Long sleeve brushed stripe top £5). I know I'm guilty of assuming everyone wants to look thinner in their clothes... but surely no one wants to look wider? Horizontal lines = widen. Pale colours = widen. The insipid colour combination looks like a Neapolitan icecream that couldn't really be bothered, too.

Number two just makes me confused. Per Una cross back wrap (£12) is a shrug/bolero/cropped cardigan that doesn't actually cover the arms. So, umm... what's the point? It won't make you warm, it's amorphously shaped and it isn't flattering - neither use nor ornament. And the model is pulling a really irritating face. Look:

And the top spot? Ladies, I bring you the Short sleeve floral top with silk. (£9) Originally £25, it's no surprise at all that this is still available in almost every size. Look at the beautiful slender model. She looks like she's wearing a tablecloth and you, you imperfect specimin of womanhood, will look immeasurably worse. Someone was paid to design this, which has to make you stop and think.

Enough bitching. Is there anything good? I'll tell you tomorrow.