Have I got news for you...

Well I never! Yesterday I promised you an ongoing saga. Today, I must bring you the news that the saga had to be terminated when the auction ended on the rulebreaking, Mouret-come-Rockabilly, grey spotty dress at a staggering £80.99. I kid you not. £80.99. Needless to say, I didn't buy it. I can't think what could induce me to spend that much money on a work frock, but I'd need to be a lot more sure it was going to suit me.

I don't know how much it retailed for originally in Monsoon, but that's a phenomenal sum of money for a secondhand frock. Didn't I tell you about their clothes holding a high resale value? But eighty one quid? I'm astonished. All power to the seller, though: it's a textbook advertisement. Have a read for yourself - she's so enthusiastic about this frock and she suggests accessories and looks it could create. She also takes a good photo - look at how she's arranged the fabric to create the impression of a nipped-in waist. Very clever.

The second news story of the day is that unsurprisingly the "what I wore to work" frock has now sold out in size 16, and 14 can't be far behind. At £15 it was an absolute steal and it serves as a reminder that things move fast in the world of sales. With that in mind, I thought I'd run through the headlines for the rest of the Marks and Sparks sale - although how much will be left by the time Monday comes is anyone's guess.

First, my top five "Don't buys"

At five - Short sleeve leaf print top with silk (£9). I appreciate that not everyone is overweight, but who on earth wants to make their waist look wider? The sweetheart neckline and wan, unflattering colour palette make this look like a particularly hideous eighties bridesmaid dress.


At four: Rich floral print jacket (£15). This jacket will make you look like a sofa. Rule of thumb: the thicker the fabric, the less pattern you need. There's a reason why most coats are plain colours. (Of course, that rule doesn't apply to my lovely black and white jacket... but this is just horrid.)


Number three in the chart of shame is this pastel dolly mixture horror (Long sleeve brushed stripe top £5). I know I'm guilty of assuming everyone wants to look thinner in their clothes... but surely no one wants to look wider? Horizontal lines = widen. Pale colours = widen. The insipid colour combination looks like a Neapolitan icecream that couldn't really be bothered, too.


Number two just makes me confused. Per Una cross back wrap (£12) is a shrug/bolero/cropped cardigan that doesn't actually cover the arms. So, umm... what's the point? It won't make you warm, it's amorphously shaped and it isn't flattering - neither use nor ornament. And the model is pulling a really irritating face. Look:


And the top spot? Ladies, I bring you the Short sleeve floral top with silk. (£9) Originally £25, it's no surprise at all that this is still available in almost every size. Look at the beautiful slender model. She looks like she's wearing a tablecloth and you, you imperfect specimin of womanhood, will look immeasurably worse. Someone was paid to design this, which has to make you stop and think.


Enough bitching. Is there anything good? I'll tell you tomorrow.